Change The Question: An Invisible Mother’s Day Wish

We’ve all been asked. You first meet someone and they ask the seemingly innocuous questions of small talk. Then there’s this one:

Do you have kids?

To a loss mama or father, or someone dealing with infertility, this question instantly sets the sympathetic nervous system into overdrive. Instantly, our heart rate speeds up and we fumble over words trying to decide how to answer. Or, sometimes I run away when I feel the question is coming. My bladder sometimes needs to empty at just the right time. 😉

If we say, “Yes, but she/he passed,” we run the risk of making the other person nervous causing a change of subject – further isolating our journey – or we run the risk of hearing the useless platitudes or ‘fix-its’ (take your choice:…are you having another?, at least you can have another, at least you already have one, you can always adopt…) I feel like vomiting simply writing about these. If we say no, we feel less authentic to our journey as loss parents or as future parents. We always want to talk about him or her, and are never ashamed, but there are times we don’t want to get into the story with someone we just met. We need space to find comfort with that new person first.

This isolating question can also affect people who may not be able to have children for legal reasons or biological reasons because of who they love, or could even deeply hurt someone who is newly bereaved.

Additionally, there are many families or situations that still matter – many that do not include the traditional idea of children. Maybe you care for your aging parents? Maybe you are single and your best friend is your family? Maybe you care for multiple foster children? Maybe you consider your nieces/nephews as close to you as your own children? Maybe you have a neighbor who is as close as a grandfather? Maybe you chose to live a life without children and this question directs the conversation away from talking about your wonderful partner or husband? There’s got to be a way to include all of these situations in traditional small talk instead of isolating each other. Or from impeding the chance to talk about these family situations that mean the world to you.

I understand that most people who ask this questions have the best intentions at heart. We’ve all asked it, and we aren’t sinister beings. I am simply proposing that a better question exists. We can do better.

This Mother’s Day, my wish is that we CHANGE THE QUESTION. Yes, that’s right, change the question!

Let’s replace, “Do you have kids?” With… “Who makes up your family?”

My Invisible Mother’s Day wish is for everyone reading this to try to change the question with at least one new person in the next week/month/year.

As soon as you feel that urge to ask about kids, ask about their family instead. Leave it open ended enough for them to include who matters most to them. Friends, extended family, passed children, pets… Believe me, the conversation will be more authentic. And you might even learn a little something about the person you just met!

Try it, and let me know what happens! I might feature your story on a future blog.

Do you like “Who makes up your family?” What are the ways you could change the question? Please comment or tag  #changethequestion or #youarerooted.